On Friday morning, I walked the twins over to school as I do every Friday. It’s handy when you live five minutes away and don’t have to drive through morning drop-off traffic.
I had another sneaky motivation.
In January of 2023, we had major flooding here in Auckland. During the deluge, the tiny supermarket right up the road got flooded out. A few weeks ago, the new owners opened the place back up. Everybody’s excited about this around here, not least of which me.
I figured I’d dip in on the way home and grab a bag of coffee beans to re-up my dwindling supplies.
As I perused the shelves, there came a deal from a decent local roastery at a notable discount. I’m no price shopper when it comes to coffee, but I can’t pass up a bargain.
I grabbed my bag and headed over to the checkout, pleased with my good fortune.
Well.
At the checkout, I scanned my prize.
And what do I find?
I’d been deceived.
That special price on the shelf was for Special Club Members Only.
I don’t carry any of those loyalty (spy) cards and it didn’t occur to me to bring my wife’s card.
Silently cursing the supermarket loyalty gods, I grudgingly paid FULL PRICE for my coffee beans.
The audacity.
What happened next?
I created a major scene and told off those minimum wage supermarket workers for robbing me of two dollars.
Then I stormed off self-righteously as everyone clapped at my brilliance.
…
Okay, that didn’t happen at all.
I said “oh well”, paid the bill, and enjoyed a tasty cup of black coffee when I got home a few minutes later.
What, you think I’m going to explode over two bucks? It’s not even worth two bucks to haggle with the staff over the price or exchange it for a different brand.
I know people who would do exactly that.
And some people would totally lose it. Full meltdowns are thankfully rare but they do happen on the regular.
A lot of people simply don’t know how to respond appropriately.
They think it’s okay to go bananas over the most trivial offenses.
They lack any kind of control over their emotional responses.
I’m no stranger to anger. Anger feels good, especially if you’re being self-righteous about a wrong done to you. When I was younger I gladly let anger handle conflict for me.
But nothing is gained by overreacting and melting down. As good as it feels to get worked up, no good comes of it. You’re liable to make a jackass out of yourself and regret your words and actions, no matter how right you feel in the moment.
The problem with getting mad is that you lose contact with the facts. You can’t see yourself in the situation with the calm of an outside observer.
Anger’s all about me, me, me, me, me.
It’s too easy for us humans to get drawn into pointless games and act as if life depended on winning.
Insults, sleights, disrepect, and perceived status are powerful motives. Threaten them and you’ll see people respond with more feeling than if you’d put their lives in danger.
What’s sad about it is that every healthy and mature adult is capable of much more than vanity and animal emotion.
It’s always possible to hit pause, step out of the scene, and look at what is happening and what it means.
Notice the word “capable”. The tragedy of human life is most of us won’t do it, and even when we know better, we aren’t consistent.
Maybe I should mind my business and not judge others without being in their shoes.
Maybe. But I’m tired of hearing that as an excuse for any kind of terrible behavior that low-awareness people want to pull in public. Humans are not solitary creatures. We are social animals who live with others in complex relationships based on mutual need and dependence.
How other people behave and misbehave directly affects me and those close to me. Judgment is part of the bargain of living in society.
I can’t wave a magic wand and make everybody into their highest and best selves.
But I can spread the message.
Most of that drama causing flip-outs? It’s a game. We’re keeping score with Monopoly money.
It only matters as long as you give it attention.
I could lose my mind over a two dollar “overcharge” at the supermarket. Would my life improve for that, even if I got my way?
Doubt it.
Bottom line: Life goes better when you throw yourself into a productive challenge and keep your attention off the undesirable conditions.
Everybody needs a challenge, but the greater masses aren’t so good at picking constructive challenges. Drinking, drugs, gambling, sechs, fighting, doomscrolling, these are low-effort ways to fill the void.
Easier said than done, I guess.
On that point, I’m putting together a short guide, maybe 5-10 pages max, that I want to give away to my email subscribers.
To be clear I’m talking anything to do with psychology and human nature applied to the daily course of your life.
That’s what I’m writing about these days, if you haven’t clued in.
Anything to do with meaning, purpose, focus, value, emotional control, intention, that kind of thing.
If you’ve got any questions or trouble-spots you’d like me to cover, hit Reply and let me know.
Matt Perryman