I saw a video the other day where a lady was complaining self-righteously about a man in a Ford Ranger who had cut her off in traffic.
She was Yosemite Sam mad about this minor slight, so her solution was to act worse than the other driver. She told how she commenced to yelling at him out the window, flipping him the bird, and playing “brake check”.
Which, of course, escalated the stakes as the other guy in the Ranger moved to retaliate in kind.
This cycle of revenge always ends in a predictable result. Even if one or both avoid injury (and worse), you always leave those confrontations seething in powerless rage.
I must have some kind of superpower, because I’ve always been able to step out of the moment and see this happening from the outside looking in.
Not that I’ve always acted on it. Some of my dumbest, most reckless and costly decisions happened when I knew full well that I was about to throw jet-fuel on the bonfire and did not stop myself.
Once you see this spiral of finger-pointing blame, accusing the other party of wronging you, you see it everywhere.
Self-righteous accusation is a primordial flaw in the human architecture. There is a reason that every major religious tradition recognizes it and labels it a sin.
Blaming is a form of self-deception, and an incredibly powerful kind of lie at that.
Nothing flatters your own egotistical vanity like the feeling of Being Right and pointing out how the other guy did wrong.
I used to play that game, and I even got damn good at it.
Not any more.
Virtually every dysfunctional behavior, every crime, every act of violence, begins in this spiral of blaming.
And, yes, you will do this with the lesser-stakes games of your training and your nutrition.
The accusation game is slippery because even if you recognize it, even if you see it happening, it is almost impossible to stop.
For one:
You may see it, but you can’t count on the other guy having that same awareness. I’ve had so many encounters, offline and on, where I pointed out to the other person’s face exactly what was happening and it made not one ounce of difference.
For two:
Blaming begins on the inside, when you blame yourself for failings, real or imagined.
It’s fine and good to learn to see this pattern inside yourself.
What isn’t so good is when you discover your tendency to point the finger and then proceed to… point the finger at yourself.
Escaping the accusation game turns into another reason to punish yourself.
The human mind is a slippery beast full of double-bind “gotchas”. If you aren’t careful, it will run rings around you. It is not a contradiction to say that your mind is smarter than you are.
What to do?
What’s helped me escape the ego’s blame-games:
1- Meditation
2- Forgiveness
Meditation done rightly — and I do not mean this trendy “mindfulness meditation” of emptying your mind that pseudo-Buddhists teach at weekend yoga retreats — trains you to keep your attention where you want it.
It happens that the most effective way to keep attention focused is to develop a powerful ability to say “No” to every thought, feeling, and impulse that shows up to distract you.
This skill by itself can be super-power, for example, when pushing through the harder portions of a workout, or sticking to a diet in the face of pizza temptations.
Forgiveness is a harder sell. You don’t want to be a chump, right? Let people walk all over you?
Forgiving doesn’t mean that you don’t learn the lesson.
Forgiving doesn’t mean that you allow the bad behavior to continue.
Forgiving doesn’t even mean that you excuse or justify the bad behavior.
Forgiveness means that you let go of your need to blame, accuse, point the finger, and revel in your self-righteous anger. It means that you release the burning coal of resentment behind all of those impulses.
And this applies to your own mistakes as sure as it does to anyone else. Forgiving yourself can be harder of letting go of offense from others.
While it may not seem as important as avoiding a lethal road-rage battle, forgiving yourself for failing to live up to your imaginary perfectionism, in the gym, in the kitchen, in your job, or anywhere else, is crucial to getting anything done.
So many obstacles to progress only exist inside your head.
Learning how to get a handle on that head-junk is a core part of my process for physique transformation.
So many people come to me looking for workout or diet advice when they have no business asking. They are not right inside themselves. These are the people that always drop out inside of a month. They have no fire or commitment. I can’t help them.
But I can guide the willing who are ready to face their demons. Remove the blocks inside and movement toward your goal flows freely.
If you’re interested in one of my rare coaching spaces, which open every once in awhile, you’ll need to be on my waitlist. If you’re interested getting out of your own way and making real changes that stick, use the link to raise your hand:
Matt Perryman